Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Wednesday Madhouse - Expectations

This almost totally slipped my mind....blame a heavy head cold for that.

I have unreasonable expectations of everything - but most particularly of me.

I expect that as most things I have attempted in life have come quite easily to me and in a way I want, that everything I attempt will be the same.

Life likes to throw you a curve ball now and then though.

I expected to fall in love, get married and have a family. I expected to be expecting within 6 months to a year of starting to try. My expectations were very, very misguided.

I could get pregnant but I couldn't stay pregnant - one early miscarriage followed another - in fact I've lost count and over time I think this is my minds way of dealing with it all. Nine years it took and finally I was expecting. Not that it was plain sailing, either being pregnant or giving birth.

I expected after having one, big healthy baby that number two would be a doddle - pah to expectations - I never fell pregnant again - and after a further 6 years of trying called it a day. I had my reasons for not going the IVF route - all of which are personal and still valid.

But I had the family that I had had expectations last.

I expected to find being a Mum fairly easy and that I'd be quite good at it. Another mistaken expectation. Being a Mum is the hardest thing I have done and TBH I don't think I'm that good at it, it just doesn't come easily or naturally - I have to work hard at it and practice a lot. I have got good at apologising though - so it is also a learning process.

My expectation of being a Mum were that I would (with ease) inspire, teach and be patient with my child. I expected that my maternal love for him would change me from an impatient, short tempered being to a calm, chilled out and cool parent.

You see I expect to be good at everything all the time. I think I may be a little deluded. I am learning not have impossible expectations of others (it isn't easy - ask M) now I just have to learn to cut myself a little slack.

p.s. As I was typing this J asked me what I was writing, so I read it to him - he disputes that I am not a good Mum and told me I was the best.......wonder what he's expecting?


Annie said...

Anyone who knows J knows that you and M are the best kind of parents - it's that obvious!

Anonymous said...

I am so, so, soooooo much my own worst critic, the harshest on myself, the least forgiving of the slightest failure. And let me tell you, there have been failures abundant this year. And there will be more in 2011, I'm certain.

I have absolutely no idea how to change that. I just want to stop hating my failures quite so much.