This almost totally slipped my mind....blame a heavy head cold for that.
I have unreasonable expectations of everything - but most particularly of me.
I expect that as most things I have attempted in life have come quite easily to me and in a way I want, that everything I attempt will be the same.
Life likes to throw you a curve ball now and then though.
I expected to fall in love, get married and have a family. I expected to be expecting within 6 months to a year of starting to try. My expectations were very, very misguided.
I could get pregnant but I couldn't stay pregnant - one early miscarriage followed another - in fact I've lost count and over time I think this is my minds way of dealing with it all. Nine years it took and finally I was expecting. Not that it was plain sailing, either being pregnant or giving birth.
I expected after having one, big healthy baby that number two would be a doddle - pah to expectations - I never fell pregnant again - and after a further 6 years of trying called it a day. I had my reasons for not going the IVF route - all of which are personal and still valid.
But I had the family that I had had expectations of.....at last.
I expected to find being a Mum fairly easy and that I'd be quite good at it. Another mistaken expectation. Being a Mum is the hardest thing I have done and TBH I don't think I'm that good at it, it just doesn't come easily or naturally - I have to work hard at it and practice a lot. I have got good at apologising though - so it is also a learning process.
My expectation of being a Mum were that I would (with ease) inspire, teach and be patient with my child. I expected that my maternal love for him would change me from an impatient, short tempered being to a calm, chilled out and cool parent.
You see I expect to be good at everything all the time. I think I may be a little deluded. I am learning not have impossible expectations of others (it isn't easy - ask M) now I just have to learn to cut myself a little slack.
p.s. As I was typing this J asked me what I was writing, so I read it to him - he disputes that I am not a good Mum and told me I was the best.......wonder what he's expecting?