Monday, November 05, 2007


I have all these things in my head I want to say and it's all a jumble of thoughts with little cohesion. Today is one of those days when I find it hard to gather my thoughts at all.

It's strange how people mouth platitudes, normally because they find themselves unsure of what to say. I myself am guilty of this.

It is also strange that with the benefit of time passing and hindsight you come to realise that the reason these comments/sayings survive is that they are often true.

Take for instance - 'time heals' or 'grief lessens with time' - the common element here is time.

It is 16 years today that I lost my Dad to leukaemia. Lot's of time has passed and my feelings about him and his death have changed so many times - I see the person he was clearer now than I ever did when he was living - I see so much of him (the good and bad) in myself - I hear his words spring from my mouth - I realise the pedestal I kept him on for so many years is now back in the cupboard, because from this distance I finally see him warts an all. I think this makes both him and I better humans.

I do still grieve. But it is different, muted is the best way I can describe it. Time has made this change - time to reflect and allow my idol to stand on his own two feet of clay.

My Dad was an arsehole, big, bad tempered, over opinionated, a tough guy - but he was also strong, honest, loyal and a good Dad to me.

I regret he never got to see either of his two Grandsons - I think he would have adored and spoiled the pair of them - as well as been so proud of them both!

I miss hearing the sound of his voice and his own personal -pipe baccie - smell.

I miss sparing with him - verbally - he never really realised just how funny he was.

He was my Dad and I still love him - warts an all - but I don't 'really' grieve for him any more - but feel grateful for the life lessons my time of grief taught me.

Tonight we will let off (as always) a big fat firework for him, we'll light a bonfire (he adored a bonfire) and we will raise a glass or four to him. He'd like that.


Maggie said...

Hugs coming your way! :-) Will raise a large G&T to you and your memories of your Dad once the anaesthetic has worn off from dentist this morning.

I am still knotted up badly over both my parents going so close together, though trying to maintain as brave a face as I can as much as I can.

Going to the Antiques Roadshow yesterday was a big help - it's the first outing John and I have had together *just for fun* this year.

You won't see us on the tele I'm pretty sure. Unless in a background shot, but I think not. Watch for a woman in a wheelchair hugging a huge blue and white china urn and a tiny china parrot! ;-)

It was such good fun though, and John enjoyed it too. We went last time they were in Liverpool too, 2000? So we knew we'd be in for hours of queueing. But inside St George's Hall that's not a problem - the building is so gorgeous, and also we had fun spotting the presenters and looking at the large objects in the hall too.

It's going to be broadcast in January.

Best wishes from Liverpool

Minnie said...

Aw. Hugs to you. xx

My Dad died ten years ago, near Christmas time and never got to see my daughter, who was born a few months after he died.

Was beginning to wonder if it was just me!!! I completely agree with you about the Bonfire Night date. Everyone around here seemed to have theirs the weekend before and not actually on the proper date. What bugged me aswell, was that we stayed in on Bonfire Night instead of going to our fab belly dancing lesson... to comfort our pets, who hate fireworks, etc. And, would you believe it, not a sound was heard..zilch. The locals obviously were watching the same prog that you were shouting at!! lol (shall have to educate them for next year!!) (climbs off soapbox)