I have all these things in my head I want to say and it's all a jumble of thoughts with little cohesion. Today is one of those days when I find it hard to gather my thoughts at all.
It's strange how people mouth platitudes, normally because they find themselves unsure of what to say. I myself am guilty of this.
It is also strange that with the benefit of time passing and hindsight you come to realise that the reason these comments/sayings survive is that they are often true.
Take for instance - 'time heals' or 'grief lessens with time' - the common element here is time.
It is 16 years today that I lost my Dad to leukaemia. Lot's of time has passed and my feelings about him and his death have changed so many times - I see the person he was clearer now than I ever did when he was living - I see so much of him (the good and bad) in myself - I hear his words spring from my mouth - I realise the pedestal I kept him on for so many years is now back in the cupboard, because from this distance I finally see him warts an all. I think this makes both him and I better humans.
I do still grieve. But it is different, muted is the best way I can describe it. Time has made this change - time to reflect and allow my idol to stand on his own two feet of clay.
My Dad was an arsehole, big, bad tempered, over opinionated, a tough guy - but he was also strong, honest, loyal and a good Dad to me.
I regret he never got to see either of his two Grandsons - I think he would have adored and spoiled the pair of them - as well as been so proud of them both!
I miss hearing the sound of his voice and his own personal -pipe baccie - smell.
I miss sparing with him - verbally - he never really realised just how funny he was.
He was my Dad and I still love him - warts an all - but I don't 'really' grieve for him any more - but feel grateful for the life lessons my time of grief taught me.
Tonight we will let off (as always) a big fat firework for him, we'll light a bonfire (he adored a bonfire) and we will raise a glass or four to him. He'd like that.